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Do you have High Standards when dating or are you Picky?
Have friends and family told you, you’re too picky and this is why you can’t find and keep a relationship?
Do you find yourself compromising your own standards when you date, or commit to relationships, because you don’t want to be “too picky”, and end up alone?
Let’s face it, as a Single Lady or Gentleman over 35 you’ve reached a point in your life where you absolutely know what you don’t want!
You don’t want to waste time on the wrong relationship that’s for sure. You’ve have failed relationships, painful break ups behind you, and you’re not going to settle at this point in your life. And you shouldn’t!
So you have your list of all the no no’s, the turn offs and deal breakers. Everything, from bad table manners, height, weight, sense of humour, family background, teeth, personal hygiene, infidelity to education. Right?
But…. Is your list moving you towards a meaningful relationship or holding you back from one?
There is a big difference between having high standards and being picky.
You know yourself better than anyone. Are your high standards (non-negotiables) annoying habits and preferences (things you’re picky about) all grouped together onto one long list?
If they are, you might be limiting your prospect of connecting to someone with the same core standards as you, at the right time.
Don’t Compromise on Your High Standards
If your standards (core needs) aren’t met, you won’t be happy in the long run; when the excitement of a new romance has settled down.
So…What’s on your high standards list?
These should be your non-negotiables. It’s worth taking the time periodically, to reflect and get crystal clear about these; Yours, your future partners and for the relationship: They will include your vitals:
Values, beliefs, faith, morals, principals, relationship and life goals, worldview, emotional health and stability, fidelity, lifestyle, financial independence, family, where you will live, intellectual compatibility, honesty, temperament, communication needs and attachment style.
Attraction and chemistry are always important, and can grow with the process of connection.
Having compatible standards with your partner; is the foundation of a strong relationship; and not to be compromised. These make or break a relationship!
Emotionally mature, relationship ready Ladies and Gentlemen are clear about their non-negotiables/ high standards and that’s a positive thing!
What does being Picky Look like?
Over and above your High Standards are your WANTS; the little annoying habits, and preferences….…these often occupy too much of our time.
Things like: profession, physical attributes (blue eyes, model looks, six pack), interests, good table manners, hobbies, travel, too quiet, too loud, style, messy or tidy….and they shouldn’t be deal breakers
Some have significance of course, but these can be influenced and changed in a person motivated by love, which is the goal.
Bad table manners or always being 30 minute late can be annoying, and may not be something you want to change in a potential partner over 35, I understand. But isn’t one of only two or three “annoyances” worth overlooking in a person if they have more significant positive traits. Nobody is perfect right?
If your WANTS influence your judgement first; instead of your NEEDS; it’s likely you are setting an impossible standard for a potential partner, and limiting your chance of meeting someone genuinely right for you.
Choosing a partner based on superficial preferences won’t sustain a long term committed relationship. You need substance for a relationship to be real, and lasting!
Paul C Brunsen, a leading Coach and Matchmaker, describes the inability to separate Needs and Values from Wants as “Type Hype“ he says quite rightly:
“Beauty and wealth. Education and class. They all sound good on paper, but you can meet the most beautiful, wealthy, educated aristocrat of your dreams and they could be an amoral beast. To get the love we want we have to learn how to move beyond “types” and look for love based on common “values” and complimentary “personality.” Love doesn’t come from “type hype.”
Now’s the time to do your TYPE – Tune Up. Here are some TIPS to make the best quality match for you.
- Start a new List. Separate your absolute Non-negotiable Standards (NEEDS) and your Preferences (WANTS). Ask yourself if I meet someone special tomorrow, what 7 High Standards will be enough for me to be very happy with him/her?
- Separate which annoying things and preferences can be influenced /changed and which ones cant. Bad table manners and superficial issues don’t mean someone won’t be a good long term partner. A bad temper and rudeness can’t be changed. The caliber of these are very different.
- Understand that the traits you don’t like may actually be a good complement for you. Always consider a wider perspective; someone being too quiet and laid back when you are very chatty, loud and highly energetic, might just be a complimentary balance, unless you want someone exactly like you! Opposites can attract, if your standards are aligned of course. Give it a chance to see how it evolves. It may just be a positive thing.
- When something your date does annoys you, ask yourself “Why?” Are you reacting to something that has more to do with you than them? For example maybe your date hasn’t made plans and shows up and asks you. “What would you like to do?” This indecisiveness might be a turn off because you resented an ex for not doing the same. Consider that it could be more psychological on your part, rather than a problem in the person you’re dating. If you find yourself making these judgements, take time to understand your triggers and work on clearing them. Avoid unfairly imposing these expectations on the person you’re dating and in the relationship.
- Be honest with yourself and really learn your core personality type and attachment style. Do you need to adjust and be flexible in some areas to be compatible with other personality types?
If you find yourself on the picky side, with someone who seems to have many of your core standards in order, give it a chance and discover who he/ she is on the inside before dismissing them too quickly based on superficial judgments. If they don’t meet your core standards; move on quickly.
Finally be patient with the journey, have fun and never compromise your high standards. Remember you will meet the person perfect for you at the right time. You deserve it!
Meanwhile stay hopeful, happy and positive!
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