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Do you ever wonder what distinguishes “attractive” men in a crowd from all the other men? Or why some men somehow capture a woman’s attention and interest above all the other men in a coffee shop, bar or even business meeting?
When you are having that very first conversation with a woman you are attracted to, are you wondering what her first impression is of you?
These are all normal and common thoughts single men have, except, they are less likely to discuss this compared to ladies.
There is a lot of pressure on men to make the first move, approach a lady appropriately, and to be charming. It can be daunting. It’s not always easy to read the signs that it’s safe to make that move.
The very common fear of rejection is always present, and it’s difficult to judge how to start a conversation and the perfect thing to say, without sounding like all the other men with cheesy chat up lines, and insincere intentions.
The Man’ss guide to Women by Drs John and Julie Gottman outlines scientifically-proven factors which attract women to men. It covers all aspects of attraction, from body language cues, conversation starters, dating and lasting relationships.
Their research results are based on talking with and studying 3000 successful, happy couples over a 30- year career as psychologists.
Their proven results are geared towards helping commitment-minded men truly understand the qualities which attract women, as well as becoming more universally attractive to them.
Here are some examples based on their book, and real feedback I have received from many ladies about what attracts them to a man initially.
The most important quality which attracts women
It’s been scientifically proven that Trustworthiness is the most important quality a woman is looking for in a man.
So if she feels a level of trust in you, her interest is alerted.
The surprising fact is that men subconsciously show whether they are trustworthy or not initially, through their body language, and first conversations.
Your body language, voice tone and facial expressions account for 93% of communication all of which have a massive influence towards how you are perceived. The rest are words, which won’t be of interest if the rest haven’t created a positive impression in a lady.
These body language skills have been proven to be the most attractive:
1. Great eye contact, regular glancing and smiling naturally. (Avoid staring, not blinking which is creepy).
2. Being a space maximiser. The man who takes up the most space, confidently and stands straight is considered the most dominant and attractive.
3. Intra-gender touching. You often see men playfully slapping their male friends back, or holding their shoulder when their talking or similar; this shows dominance.
The least attractive is:
1. Fidgeting and random nervous gestures with your hands. It’s considered less dominant and desirable.
2. High levels of stress. Low- stress men are more desirable.
3. Closed body movements, for instance crossing your arms, crossing one arm across your body, crossing your leg at the knee.
A woman is fundamentally looking for a man who is trustworthy. If the first conversation with you gives her a feeling of trust; physical and emotional safety, honesty and you show genuine interest, she will feel comfortable and interested.
Women are most attracted to a man who expresses himself with:
1. Emotional energy, passion about what he is talking about, asks questions and listens to the answers.
2. Confident body language
3. Interest, warmth and a genuine desire to get to know her.
4. A sense of humour, as this indicates intelligence.
5. Deeper voices. This can be practiced.
Here are proven first conversation guidelines which attract women:
Dos and Don’ts of Great First Conversations
- Create safety by creating safe conversations. Doing this showsyou as a protector and confident
- Be a gentleman and have good manners
- Ask her open- ended questions about her work and her life.
- Be transparent- That doesn’t mean reveal in depth detail aboutyourself, but just enough. If you are scanning the room, are vague and not answering the questions- she won’t feel safe
- Invite her to talk about herself.
- Have good natural eye contact when she’s speaking, but don’t stare.
- If you don’t agree with something she says, allow her to finish her point, say ok and just give your view point without de- valuing or dismissing her response.
- Ask follow up questions to her answer. For example, if she says she hates her job, ask what she would rather be doing. You get to know more about her passions that way.
- Be fully yourself, authentic and open.
If the above tips are used by men only to manipulate or seduce women; the cracks will show. People at their core, don’t change, who they are and how they treat others will never change. Real trust is established when these behaviours are shown consistently over a period of time.
- Don’t interrupt her mid- sentence.
- Don’t hurry her.
- Don’t dominate the conversation.
- Don’t use over the top flattery. A compliment is welcome but too much isn’t considered genuine.
- Don’t use sexual innuendos or make inappropriate comments. This makes her associate negative feelings with you and you don’t want that.
- Don’t tell offensive jokes i.e. about race, religion, cultures etc you don’t know her friends and family, regardless it’s bad taste universally.
- Don’t talk about ex- girlfriends or ex- wives
- Don’t tell stories that turn you into a victim, talk more about your positive experiences, and your aspirations in life.
- Scan the room and check other girls when you are together
- Don’t ask her if she likes you- as this comes across as needy and insecure. It’s better to ask for her number, and call her an invite her out if you would like to. If she says no, don’t take it personally.
Mutual attraction and chemistry are vital; without them, there isn’t going to be a long-lasting relationship.
Finding and keeping mutual attraction, and a lasting relationship can start positively with these universally attractive, first impressions and first conversations tips.
So it’s worthwhile reflecting, and practicing a few of these positive tips, if you need to. It’s been proven that they will increase your attractiveness to quality ladies, who look for more substance beneath the surface level of looks, education, and wealth.